Published in the Democrat and Chronicle on January 5, 2011
The holidays are over. This is the time, therefore, to start preparing for Happy Holidays next year and for years to come. The following are steps to take to help ensure your children and grandchildren will be around to celebrate those holidays with you, and to ensure that you won’t be spending them alone.
Eat meals together. This simple step, although at times stressful, builds family connections. The simple act of eating and talking together binds a family together. Having your teen help cook the meal is an added bonus and gives more time to connect. It also models the importance of being together.
Set and enforce reasonable limits on behavior. Setting limits on your children and teens causes short-term resentment but ends up with better-behaved individuals who ultimately know that we cared enough to go through the hassle of teaching them to be reasonable individuals.
Assign chores. This simple step helps children see themselves as a valued and contributing member of a family unit versus just being guests in a motel.
Go to or arrange family gatherings this year. Yes, your brother may drive you nuts, but by getting together you are modeling the importance of family. Children learn by what we do. If you are disconnected from your family, there is a strong chance that your children will be too, but from you.
Schedule a fun family vacation and make it memorable. These are the events we mostly think of when we remember past family experiences. The brain stores these new situations more permanently then the day-to-day experiences of life. These shared experiences help connect families and serve as the building blocks for family memories.
Give books not devices to read books and then read the books together. This may include reading to a smaller child or reading the same book as your teen. Watch the same TV shows with your teens. Both of these activities give you a common connection and a shared language. It also shows you value their opinions.
Take family movies. Children rapidly forget. Occasionally watching those movies and laughing at them reminds them of your connectedness and of past fun times.
Go camping someplace where there are no electronics or cell phone signals. This is a guaranteed way to get your grumpy teenager to talk to you, even if they complain for the first two days. The next two they will actually talk to you. After all what else do they have to do?
Spend a night a week without any electronics. It is amazing how little communication and bonding occurs in the presence of constant electronic interference by computer, cell phone or TV. If you gave your children electronics for the holidays, you may have essentially given a gift that will further separate them from you. Next year, give gifts that the family can do together.
If your children are older and already out of the house, reach out to them, by letter, phone, e-mail or instant message. Send notes, birthday cards, thank you notes, and personal note cards. Reach out to them, don’t wait for them to reach out to you.