Published in the Democrat and Chronicle on April 6th, 2011
All too often I see parents, teachers, administrators and, at times, even counselors and physicians give up on a particular child. The child’s behavior, attitude, lack of skill, or lack of seeming motivation has so driven the adults and others crazy that they already have or are on the verge of giving up on that child. If this happens, it leads to a further downward cycle that the child may never recover from. It does not, however, have to be that way. Rather than giving up, there are steps you can take to turn this situation around.
Children innately want to learn, succeed and have their parents be proud of them. If they are not doing these things, then there are likely one or more underlying problems.
Your first step is to find out what is causing the behaviors that are making you want to give up on them. This often involves seeking out professionals or others who can sort out the underlying problems. Often the child does not even know himself what is causing the problem and may cover his fear by blaming you. People are complex, so beware of overly simplistic answers. The old he/she is just a jerk is not an acceptable answer.
Once you have information on what is causing the problems, follow up by asking questions, reading books and learning more. Share this information with the child and others in your life who need to know.
Be persistent in advocating for the right support and treatment for the underlying problems. This may mean advocating with the school, the physician or the mental health system to get the support and treatment in place that the child needs.
Work with professionals to address any underlying learning, behavioral or mental health needs. Getting the appropriate treatment for a disorder will help lead back to a path of family stability.
Once a plan is in place, you need to work to re-establish that bond with your child, student or patient.
Take time to take care of yourself. If you are stressed or exhausted you are more likely to simply want to give up.
Build community. Find allies. Very difficult children are exhausting. If you are at the point of giving up on them, they typically have exhausted you. Find allies at their school, with family members, or in your church or community who can help give you perspective and support.
Find a mentor for both you and your child. Some children need to hear the same message you are telling them from someone else because they can’t hear it from you. They also need to see other possibilities, and a mentor can show them how to open those doors.
Get yourself and your child connected with others. Parents give up on kids when the parent feels isolated and alone. The more conflicted the home setting, the more isolated a family feels. End that cycle by connecting with friends, neighbors, your community or community groups.
Get your child out in the wilderness and away from the home environment for a weekend. No cellphone, nothing to do and spending time together leads to a great opportunity to reconnect and recharge that parent/child bond.
Limit or eliminate things that are driving your family apart. This includes limiting all electronics, including texting and cellphones. While they are supposed to be communication tools, excessive use actually weakens communication within a family and family bonds.
Have the family make and eat dinner together. It’s hard to be a family if you are never together as a family. The simple act of preparing food together allows simple conversation. Simply spending time together helps a family be together.
Go for a 20-minute daily walk together. The two rules are no electronics and no nagging. Physical activity changes both of your moods, which makes it easier to spend time together.