Published in the Democrat & Chronicle November 6, 2008
One day she’s a compliant grade-schooler and the next, it seems, she’s trying to head out the door in an outfit that would make your mother faint.
When facing adolescent behavior that challenges family rules and values, the first step is to recognize that it’s part of your child’s normal drive for independence. Middle-school students and their older siblings are busy trying to become individuals in their own right, pushing for greater freedom as they slowly mature into adults.
You can neither give up on your fractious teen and abdicate your role as a parent, nor lock him in his room until he leaves for college. Effective parenting means slowly allowing your child more independence but also ensuring his safety at a time when he does not have the experience to make wise choices.
The parent’s ongoing job, then, is to set and enforce limits but to expand the limits as the child shows she is able to handle more freedom responsibly.
Failure to follow the family rules should lead to realistic consequences, just as success in meeting expectations should lead to opportunities for greater independence. There are no instant fixes, but here are a few tried-and-true techniques.
Model what you hope to see (and start doing this early). If you want respect, show respect to your child. Use sarcasm as a parenting technique and you will get it back in spades.
Set high standards. The teen’s job is to rebel, so he may meet your expectations for A or B grades in school by getting Cs. If you expect Cs, however, he may start getting Fs.
Focus on good behavior. If you tell your daughter she’s dressed like a slut, you may end up reinforcing that behavior. (“Hah, if I dress like this, I’ll push Mom’s buttons.”) Instead, make a positive comment when her clothes meet expectations.
Practice compromising. Or, don’t back your teen into a corner. Look for solutions that let her get some of what she wants while you get some of what you want. If you just can’t live with the super-cropped top, maybe you can give way on the black nail polish.
Set reasonable limits. Consequences should be short-term and enforceable. “OK, since you weren’t home on time, hand over your cell phone until tomorrow night.”
Spend time together. She may tell you to leave her alone, but she needs to get the message that you still love her. Take a drive in the car or a walk around the block. Don’t talk about homework or anything that’s an issue at home. Your job is to listen to what she has to say.